Understanding Attachment: How Attachment Science Can Improve Your Relationships
Do you ever find yourself feeling uneasy in relationships, constantly worrying about whether you’re truly loved or cared for? Or maybe you’re on the other side, feeling distant or closed-off, even though you genuinely want to connect.
Maybe you’ve noticed you keep falling into the same frustrating patterns, no matter how hard you try to change them. If any of this feels familiar, you’re not alone.
Attachment science can help you understand why relationships can feel so complicated—and more importantly, it can show you how to improve them— creating connections that feel safer, stronger, and more fulfilling.
We’re Wired for Connection
In our society, we’re often encouraged to be independent and self-sufficient. But here’s the fundamental truth: humans are wired for connection. We all need closeness, intimacy, and emotional support. Research like the Harvard Study of Adult Development shows that the quality of our relationships directly impacts our mental health. People with strong relationships have less anxiety, depression, and even live longer, healthier lives.
If you’re curious about the profound impact secure relationships have on our lives, this insightful TED Talk, “The Power of (Secure) Love” by attachment researcher Dr. Omri Gillath explains how secure attachment enhances not just our relationships but also our overall mental and physical health.
The Roots of Attachment Science
Attachment theory, first developed by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, began with studying bonds between babies and caregivers. Bowlby believed attachment was an innate survival strategy, helping babies stay close to caregivers for safety. A famous example is the “Still Face Experiment”, — this video beautifully illustrates our deep, biological need for emotional responsiveness.
Researcher Mary Ainsworth expanded this by identifying attachment patterns in her famous “Strange Situation” studies, showing these patterns weren’t fixed but adaptive responses to caregivers’ emotional availability.
From Childhood to Romantic Relationships
Our attachment needs don’t vanish after infancy— they continue throughout the lifespan. Researchers Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver applied attachment theory to adult romantic relationships in the 1980s, finding that our need for secure, responsive connection continues throughout life. Whether we’re babies or adults, we feel secure when our loved ones respond to our emotional needs. Feeling ignored or disconnected can make us anxious, withdrawn, or distressed.
Attachment Strategies—Not Labels
In my practice, I prefer the term attachment strategies instead of fixed “attachment styles.” The word “styles” can make it seem like these patterns are rigid or permanent, almost like personality traits. In reality, these behaviors are flexible and adaptable ways you’ve learned to seek safety and closeness. While all these strategies are always at your disposal, you may naturally gravitate toward certain ones because they once helped you feel safe in past relationships. But remember, you can always learn and develop healthier ways to connect.
Here are common strategies:
Secure strategies: You may feel safe and supported, openly express your needs (“I need some reassurance today”), handle conflicts calmly (“Let’s talk through this”), and trust your partner will be there for you.
Anxious strategies: You may worry about abandonment or rejection, frequently text (“Are you mad at me?”), feel distressed if responses are slow, or often seek reassurance.
Avoidant strategies: You may pull away emotionally, value independence, or suppress feelings. You might avoid deep conversations (“I’m fine, let’s not talk about it”) or withdraw when someone tries to get close, often because closeness felt risky or unsafe before.
Disorganized strategies: You may swing between anxious and avoidant behaviors, making relationships confusing. You might alternate between needing closeness (“Please don’t leave”) and pushing others away (“I can’t deal with this”), often feeling overwhelmed.
These strategies are flexible, not fixed labels. As attachment expert Daniel Siegel says, “Attachment experiences influence us, but they don’t determine us.” Understanding these strategies helps you build healthier relationships—foundational to good mental health, protecting you from anxiety, depression, and physical illness, leading to a happier, longer life.
Therapy Can Help Build Security
Understanding your attachment strategies allows you to build stronger relationships. Therapy—particularly Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), —helps reshape attachment strategies toward security. Research on EFT shows remarkable results: 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery, and about 90% experience significant improvement. Neuroscience research confirms deeply engaging emotions in therapy can rewire your brain toward security.
Your attachment strategies aren’t rigid. They’re flexible, adaptive, and developed to stay safe. The great news is you always have the power to grow, change, and build healthier, more secure relationships. As Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of EFT, states: “We are never just victims of our attachment histories. Our emotional lives are endlessly adaptable and malleable.”
Ready to Explore Your Attachment Strategies?
If you’re curious, consider taking this free Relationship Structures (ECR-RS) questionnaire developed by attachment researcher Dr. R. Chris Fraley.
If you’re ready to dive deeper, I’m here to help. You don’t have to navigate this alone.
